FACE TO FACE WITH MY ABUSER

The internet makes tracing people so easy these days. Actually maybe it makes it too easy.

When I was online the other evening and playing the game of 'where are they now?' I found myself in a couple of keystrokes coming face to face with the family 'friend' who had molested me when I was seven years old.

Yes, I was wondering what had become of him and curious enough to make a search, but I hadn't expected to hit on picture of him just-like-that.

I'm 45 and in the overall scheme things I wouldn't say the incident was hugely traumatic but I did feel a terrible tightening in my stomach on seeing this face after nearly forty years.

More significantly though, the incident is undoubtedly key to the suppression of my homosexuality for so many years. It was the revelation of it to an older brother that had me sworn to silence and implicated as being gay - a consequence of which, I was assured, would be my father ejecting me from the house.

For God's sake, I was barely eleven at the time and that was some heavy wrap to be hit with at such a tender age. I recall exactly the spot where I was, the time of the day, the coat on a hook in the hall, and the deep feeling of shame welling up inside me. Memories indelibly burnt into my psyche.

The molestation had been a walk in the park by comparison to this treatment being meted on me - and yes, I have often speculated on what treatment my brother might also have been subjected to be so keen to turn the tables on me.

As for my abuser. I don't view him with particular malice. The extent of his molestation was no worse than him making me lie on him in his flat and embrace him while he put his hands down my trousers and fondled my arse. At least, as far as I can recall.

What does trouble me though is the total abuse of trust he engaged in, both of me and of my parents who would have trusted him utterly.

To drive me to his flat in a premeditated act, knowing exactly what he had in mind to do. To have the presence of mind to close his curtains to conceal his despicable deed. To have exploited a child's innocence and lack of suspicion. To have engaged in an act that was so wrong, wrong, wrong.

Whatever, in his picture he's looking positively relaxed and untroubled, but what about other children that he might have similarly abused? Did it at any stage go beyond hands down the trousers?

I dread to think.

WE ARE THE ENOLA GAYS!

I'm always looking for tags that will neatly encapsulate who us Lately Gay folk are and that must be what I was sleep-working on last night as my very first thought on waking was ... Enola Gay.

Well, how on earth, I thought, are lately gay people like the Enola Gay*? (*The Bomber that dropped the atomic bomb on Hiroshima, I add for our younger viewers!) Er, because, er ... I began to grope my way through this ... er, we dropped a shocking bombshell from a great height .. late in the day?? But Enola Gay bombed first thing in the morning? Yes, yes, I know, but it was very late in the war, wasn't it? I even realised that I could get an acronym out of it: Explosive News Only Lately Aware.



So, having tried it on for size, I'm intrigued and think it has possibilities - and imagine if it did catch on - the Enola Gays! Might even get us into the dictionary. There we'd be next to Gay, Bi, Butch, Fem etc. accompanied by a neat illustration e.g. Adam: 'Hi Steve, who's your new friend - I've not seen him before?'/Steve: 'Oh that's Ryan ... Yup, he's Enola Gay!' Nuff said! Of course, things might get interesting if the tag takes on and we'll have the war buffs looking up the actual 'Enola Gay' on the net and then they'll find our site. Now that really could be a bombshell for some, especially those of a mighty, righteous persuausion.

Bring it on, I say.

A FIRST TIME LG VISITOR WRITES ...

"What worries me about the blog site Stephen is that one of the first things I see on a site intended for men in their middle to later years is a slideshow containing predominantly young guys.

Now, I won’t confess to having browsed any further than the start page but that was what I noticed and the initial reaction was … looks professional but could just be a site for pervy older guys to chat about and discuss twinks. I am sure, (I hope) that this is not your intention and it does seem to be a trend for gay sites to hold up the body beautiful as the image of gayness but, I don’t know about you but as a guy mid 40’s, I have had enough with being made to feel inadequate on sites proclaiming to meet my needs?"

Does our first time visitor have a point? Do you agree or disagree? Tell us what you think and leave a comment after the tone!

SOME TIMES I WONDER IF I REALLY AM GAY!

I don’t wear pointed shoes, I don’t rate Kylie or Madonna or listen to pop music, I detest G-A-Y. I don’t look like a fashion disaster when I come out of my house and think I look fabulous or feel the need to conform to gay trends. People can’t work out whether I’m gay unless I tell them. I don’t pretend to be something I’m not and I can actually laugh at myself before others. I don’t live in a pretend world or scared to venture some where totally straight. I don’t have tribal tattoos or worse still stars! I don’t feel the need to throw dramas or say really hurtful things to people to make myself feel better. I think with my brain not my dick and I know what the word monogamy means. I can count the relationships I’ve had on one hand and all of them have lasted a lot longer than 2 weeks. I don’t need to lie to make my life sound better. I’m not as shallow as a puddle, I know that some people can be pretty on the outside and pig ugly on the inside. I don’t expect things I couldn’t provide for myself or need to ride someone else’s wave. I read the sun newspaper I don’t try to use big words. I will talk to anyone even if I don’t fancy them. I know how to play pool! I’m not afraid to stand up to a lesbian and I don’t have a fag hag. I don’t care what other people think of me its what I think of myself that really matters. The only reason I know I’m gay is because I sleep with men and that's good enough for me.